Tuesday, May 1, 2012

Dear Lottery

Dear Lottery,

Hi. How are  you?

I am fine, but a little unsettled. I keep buying your tickets, week after week, and it seems like...well,  it seems like you are ignoring me. None of my numbers ever come up...not one!

Hey, remember that scene in "Fatal Attraction" where the Glenn Close character warns the Michael Douglas character that, "I will not be ignored!" Then she boiled the bunny. Do any of you have pet bunnies? Hahahahah..just kidding.

My point is, I would appreciate it if you would throw a few numbers my way. I am not being selfish, seriously, I have reasons for it. Like:

1) my car. Oy, my car. To save money, I have recently been doing my own car repairs. Since I know shit about car maintenance, my repair instruments are: gum, plaster of Paris, and scotch tape. So far so good, but it doesn't appear that the gum/tape duo is holding the engine together as well as I had hoped. Plus, the plastic of Paris exhaust pipe is already exhausted. BTW...those repair instruments are the same ones I used for.....

2) physical maintenance. Which explains a lot of money going towards co-pays, etc.  That Plastic of Paris tooth that I created to replace the real tooth that fell out...believe it or not, not a great substitute. Every once in a while, the Plaster of Paris tooth falls out as well. And do you think the Tooth Fairy has reimbursed me for any of these errant teef's?  Ha! Cheap bitch.

3) cable TV. Ah, once upon a time, when a RED-Haired Goddess roamed the earth, sex, drugs, and rock and roll ruled. Now, however, the thing that gets my blood racing is....cable TV. Love me some "Mad Men." (OMG...did you see Sunday's episode? Poor Sally!) And with cable rates going up....Don't judge, Dear Lottery. Don't judge. 

So, as you can see, a few million extra dollars would certainly help me in leading a life in which I would like to become accustomed. To quote the late, great Dorothy Parker, "I've never been rich, but I just know I would be darling at it. "

In conclusion, dear Lottery, I will continue to buy your tickets in anticipation that you will smile upon me. I will smile back....just pretend you don't see those two plaster of Paris teeth right there up front. 


The Grey-Haired Goddess

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