Wednesday, August 28, 2013

Conversations with the Grey-Haired Goddess

Unidentified Grey-Haired Goddess (UGG):  "So, you all ready for school?"
Unidentified 15-year old niece: (U15N):       "I guess...."
UGG: "You have all your pens and pencils and notebooks and stuff?"
U15N: (rolls eyes): "Yes, UGG, I have all my stuff. Do you actually want to see my satchel?"
UGG: "You have a SATCHEL?"
U15N: "Hel...lo? Everybody has a satchel. Here, see for yourself."
(UGG opens Gucci satchel, trying to forget that her bookbag was a blue laundry bag with drawstring.Inside the Satchel is an IPad, IPod, Tablet, and a charger.)
UGG: "This is not a bookbag. This is an advertisement for Best Buy. Geez, when I went to college, I thought I was hot stuff because I had an electric typewriter." 
U15N: "God.  That had to be hard, dragging a typewriter around a campus."
UGG: "Why would I have dragged a typewriter around campus?"
U15N: "To take class notes, duh! How else could you take  notes?"
UGG: "With pen. And paper. You know....writing notes by hand."
U15N: (Long Stare). "I am so glad I didn't live in the olden days."


Unidentified Grey-Haired Goddess: (UGG)  "I think I broke my bathtub drain."
Unidentified Friend Who May or May Not Be Named Kelly and May or May Not Be An Attorney: (Too vague for you to sue me, my friend. Ha!): "How in the hell did you do that?"
UGG: "You know how I usually only shave my legs when I have a date or a doctor's appointment?"
UF: "Good God, I know its been forever since you had a date...Jeez, you must have looked Rastafarian."
UGG: "Ah, first of all, thanks. Secondly, I concede, it was a jungle. I swear I had hair from my toes all the up to...well, all the way up. So, anyway, me and Lady Schick decided to go to war the other night."
UF: "OMG, you have a date!"
UGG: "Well, no, I.."
UF: "What, you sick? What's wrong?"
UGG: "Nothing. I'm just going to the ocean in a week or so, and decided...."
UF: "Not to scare little children. Okay, I get it. So you shaved your legs."
UGG: "Exactly. Now it takes forever for the bathtub to drain. I think I broke it."
UF: "Just get some drain cleaner."
UGG: "I did. I have poured, like, two entire bottles of Drano down those pipes. It's still  not draining."
UF: "Good God. I betcha could have braided that hair. Did you ever think about getting some of those little barretts?"
UGG: "Why do I ever tell you anything?"
UF: "Or, you also could have claimed to be half-human, half-Sasquatch. The missing link, girl. You could have said you were the missing link."
UGG: "You are a terrible person."
UF: "Maybe, but at least I never caused plumbing equipment to commit suicide."

Unidentified Publicist for Grey-Haired Goddess Who May or May Not Be Named Carolyn:
"Hey, UGG, what's your prob? It's been almost two months since your last blog. What? Your typing fingers broke or something? By the way, congrats. I heard you shaved your legs. I wonder if that has anything to do with that certified letter I got from the EPA? Anyway, what's up?"
UGG: "Um...yeah, I've got this idea I am working on this very second."
UP:"Is that the truth?"
UGG: ""
UP: "Woman, you have five days to create another blog. I have people waiting for this. How are we ever going to get your book published...and get that movie made...if you are sitting on your hairless backside? Did you shave that far up? I don't want to know. Listen, get it done...NOW."
(Note to self: Carolyn is a good publicist. Currently I am paying her nothing. Double her salary. She's worth it.)