Friday, May 18, 2012


Recently, my place of employment hosted a smart young researcher from Berlin, Germany. On her last day with us, a luncheon was given in her honor, because 1) she did an outstanding job and 2) any excuse for a gyro!

"Grey-Haired Goddess," said Berliner lamented to me at her farewell luncheon, "my school at home is a mess. So disorganized. Those administrators need someone like you to straighten them out."

"Did you hear that?" I  fairly screamed at Dr. Lifesaver, who was actually sitting right next to me. "I think you should sent me to Berlin." After all, telling others how to run their businesses, schools, and  lives is more than a hobby for me. More, even, than a vocation. It's a sacred calling.

Months have gone by, so I figured it was time to remind Dr. Lifesaver that neither I, nor Berlin, are getting any younger.  I burst into his office, where he is occupied with some X-Rays. You should see him look at those things, scrutinizing every single detail. You would think it was life or death or something.

"So, remember that researcher from Berlin?" I ask him. "Remember how I should go to Berlin and help them get organized? Yeah, let me know when I should start packing."

Dr. Lifesaver gave me that look, so I rewinded and quickly told him the story from the beginning, .

"Oh, yes, Berlin," he replied. "Hmmmm...Mrs. Dr. Lifesaver has always wanted to see Berlin."

Uh-oh. I don't like where this is going.

"So you...want me to make the reservations?" I ask. "You know, for me." I clarify.

"Ahhh....let me get back to you," he replied.

Dang. I know what that means. It means I am going to get another stupid postcard to add to my stupid postcard collection.

Last time I tell him my travel plans.

Tuesday, May 1, 2012

Dear Lottery

Dear Lottery,

Hi. How are  you?

I am fine, but a little unsettled. I keep buying your tickets, week after week, and it seems like...well,  it seems like you are ignoring me. None of my numbers ever come up...not one!

Hey, remember that scene in "Fatal Attraction" where the Glenn Close character warns the Michael Douglas character that, "I will not be ignored!" Then she boiled the bunny. Do any of you have pet bunnies? Hahahahah..just kidding.

My point is, I would appreciate it if you would throw a few numbers my way. I am not being selfish, seriously, I have reasons for it. Like:

1) my car. Oy, my car. To save money, I have recently been doing my own car repairs. Since I know shit about car maintenance, my repair instruments are: gum, plaster of Paris, and scotch tape. So far so good, but it doesn't appear that the gum/tape duo is holding the engine together as well as I had hoped. Plus, the plastic of Paris exhaust pipe is already exhausted. BTW...those repair instruments are the same ones I used for.....

2) physical maintenance. Which explains a lot of money going towards co-pays, etc.  That Plastic of Paris tooth that I created to replace the real tooth that fell out...believe it or not, not a great substitute. Every once in a while, the Plaster of Paris tooth falls out as well. And do you think the Tooth Fairy has reimbursed me for any of these errant teef's?  Ha! Cheap bitch.

3) cable TV. Ah, once upon a time, when a RED-Haired Goddess roamed the earth, sex, drugs, and rock and roll ruled. Now, however, the thing that gets my blood racing is....cable TV. Love me some "Mad Men." (OMG...did you see Sunday's episode? Poor Sally!) And with cable rates going up....Don't judge, Dear Lottery. Don't judge. 

So, as you can see, a few million extra dollars would certainly help me in leading a life in which I would like to become accustomed. To quote the late, great Dorothy Parker, "I've never been rich, but I just know I would be darling at it. "

In conclusion, dear Lottery, I will continue to buy your tickets in anticipation that you will smile upon me. I will smile back....just pretend you don't see those two plaster of Paris teeth right there up front. 


The Grey-Haired Goddess