Everyone's always talking about their Bucket List, comprised of the things they want to do before they die. I, personally, have an Un-Bucket List, comprised of the things I don't want to do while I am still living. Here is my Un-Bucket List, in no particular order.
1) SKI
Who thought of this? Let's summarize: The temperature outside is about freezing and it's snowing. So let's all take a drive through those icy, curvaceous mountain roads to a place even colder. Once there, let's all stay outside ALL day and indulge in some strenuous activity that could result in broken bones, concussions, or even death. And let's pay a FORTUNE to do this!!!
Uh-huh. Send me a postcard.
2) BE THE FIRST WOMAN TO....
I don't want to be the first woman to do anything. The title implies that this activity is something that men have always done. Good. Let them keep doing it. And when they complete that, send them over to my house to clean my heating and air-conditioning ducts, because I don't want to do that, either.
3) ATTEND THE PREAKNESS
I know, how un-American. The truth is that if I wanted to spend a Saturday afternoon sweating in a hot, open field with a bunch of rowdy drunks, I'd go to more family reunions.
4) WEAR HIGH HEALS
No. Just no.
5) ATTEND ANY MEETING THAT HAS TO DO WITH MONEY OR INVESTMENTS
I know I probably should pay more attention to retirement funds and IRA's and whatever, but that stuff is soooooo boring. Let me just win the lottery and be done with it. To quote the wonderful Dorothy Parker, "I've never been rich, but I just know I'd be darling at it."
6) MEET FAMOUS PEOPLE
I've met a few well-known people and...how do I say this delicately? They live in a different world from you and me. Don't get me wrong--if I had a chance to meet Sir Paul, I'd be all over that. He was, after all, a BEATLE. But he's the exception. I can't think of anyone else that would excite me enough that I would put up with their....ah....other-worldliness.
7) LEARN AUTOMECHANICS SO I CAN REPAIR MY OWN CAR
Hahahahahahahhahaha. Are you kidding me? It was only out of necessity that I learned how to pump my own gas.
8) EAT BUGS
Bugs are supposedly a great, inexpensive way to ingest protein and vitamins. I ate a lightening bug once, by accident. I was about six years old, running down the alley behind my house, yelling the way most six year-olds do, and a lightening bug flew into my mouth. Not knowing what it was, I, of course, chewed it. A few minutes later, I went into the house and opened my mouth, real wide, in front of a mirror. All of my back teeth were glowing. That's how I knew it had been a lightening bug. The funny thing is, it tasted just like Vanilla Turkish Taffy.
You would think that wonderful experience would lead me to be okay with bug eating, but you are wrong. I will not eat bugs. Protein, schotein. If I can't get protein the old-fashioned way, ( i.e Happy-Hour Margherita's) then forget it.
I guess that's enough Un-Bucket Listing for now. It's Friday. Anyone going to Happy Hour? Me, too. I'll be the poor, bugless person in flat shoes, driving the car with no brakes. See you there!
