Dear Henry

My Darling, Dearest Henry,

I just can't believe that they have taken you away from me! For life! Without parole!  It's only been two days and already I feel like its been forever since we've touched. I swear, those sneaky  lawyers took my innocent words and twisted them all around. Like when I told the jury that I saw you the night of the murder, and you were covered in blood and holding the gun that happened to have the same bullets that killed those very same people you had sworn revenge on. And they convicted you on that flimsy evidence!

If I had known that those words were gonna convict you, I 'da taken the 8th Commandment....no, wait, I think that's the one that gives us the right to arm bears......so maybe its the 3rd Commandment..no, I think that gives women the right to gloat...whatever, I would have just taken that commandment that  gives me to right to say nothing. I  promise, my heart, that I will work with your lawyer, Mr. Ludlow, to get you out of jail.

All my love forever,

Lucille

*****

My Dearest Henry,

I have an appointment to  meet with Mr. Ludlow this morning to review your trial. I know that your mother doesn't think he is a good attorney, but for a public defender, I think he's a swell guy. Mr. Ludlow thinks that your verdict can be appealed with the right loophole.  Tell me, Henry, is there any insanity in your family? Veneral diseases? Did barking dogs ever tell you to do something illegal? Do you ever hear voices in your head?

Try to work on this with us, darling.

All my love forever,

Lucille
*******
My Dearest Henry,

That Jerry Ludlow is such a hard worker. We have been spending many evenings together working on your case. Most nights we really get into it. Your mother has been watching the kids for me so that Mr. L. and I can really concentrate on what we are doing. I don't know why your mother gives me such a hard time about watching the kids. After all, there is a good possibility that two of them may be yours.

All my love,
Lucille
 *************
Dear Henry,

Sorry its been a while since I have written. Jerry suggested that he and I do some investigating up in Atlantic City. He heard a rumor that somebody who lives up there may have some information that would prove your innocence. I cannot tell you the number of hours Jerry and I spent in the hotel room, just waiting for "Bobby" to contact us. (that was all the information we had). He never did, so not only is he covering up for a triple murderer, he is also a big, fat liar.

Henry, I thought of you the whole time. One night we had room service, and knowing how much you love seafood, I had a lobster in your honor.

Love,
Lucille
*******
Dear Henry,

Jerry has come up with an idea that he thinks will help you.  He suggested that you and I divorce. That way, it won't look like I am trying to get you off just because you are my husband and possibly the father of  Geraldo and Kourtney. It will look like I am just a concerned citizen trying to undo a terrible wrong.

I asked the kids what they thought. Bon Jovi, all full of himself now that he is 14, said it didn't matter to him. He just wants to know if you can get Richard Ramirez's autograph.

The twins, Brittni and Tiffni, said, what's another divorce? They are so practical, those girls. And lucky! Just the other day Brittni found a diamond ring, a real diamond. A bloody finger was still attached to it, but Bon Jovi sawed it off.

Geraldo is so big now, but doesn't understand what divorce  means. I told him that it meant you would no longer live with us, but he pointed out that you don't live with us now. He had me there. Kourtney just shrugged and said Jerry smells better than you. So let me know what you think.

Love and Peace,
Lucille

*****
Hi, Henry,

Well, the divorce papers are filed. Really, its the best thing for all of us. I am sorry if you felt pressured to sign them papers. Believe me, I had no idea that  Jerry knew gang members in prison. I really don't think they would have broken your legs and arms if you hadn't signed. Are you sure you heard them clearly?

Your mother is running around town, yap, yap, yapping like a little dog, telling everyone that Jerry is living with us. He's  not living with us...he is just here a lot during the nights and weekends. What is the real killer show's up? He stays in our old room with me because he feels I am in the most danger. He is so protective that he is even taking me to his nephew's Bar Mitzvah on Saturday, as he doesn't feel safe leaving me alone, except for all the kids.

Peace,
Lucille
********

Hi, Henry,

Oy, things have been so crazy here. Jerry has brought some of his tchockas over to our trailer, like his Barco-Lounger and big screen TV. He theorized that since he is here so much, he might as well be comfortable. The kids just love that big screen TV, especially since its hooked up to HBO.

I do apologize for not visiting you more often, but I have been so sick in the mornings lately, and my feet get swelled up for no reason. Plus I have gained a few  pounds. I will start coming again after I have lost this weight, say in about 6 months.

Shalom,
Lucille
*******

Henry,

I miss you so much that I had another baby just to fill the void. I named her Pamela Paris GaGa.

Jerry isn't around so much anymore. He feels that the real killer has probably lost interest in me, and he says he just can't get any work done around here, what with all the kids and all. So he comes and goes. Your mother just doesn't understand. Thank God our place and hers are on opposite sides of the trailer park.

Lucille
*********

Henry,

I think its time we start to look for another lawyer. Jerry said that he has gone as far as he can with everything. He took all of his stuff out of the trailer and never looked back. The kids are devastated. Brittni screamed, "Just when we get something good, it goes away." But I promised her that I will find a way to get the cable back. Doesn't your buddy Fender do illegal cable hookups? I think I have his phone number around here somewhere. He's still single, right?

I need to ask you a favor. Bon Jovi got caught trying to rob a bank. I swear, these kids grow up so fast. Nobody in my family ever starting robbing banks till they were in their mid-20's.

I think he will just get some time in juvey, but if he does end  up in the big house, would you kinda look out for him? His Uncle Jimbo is there, but he should be sprung soon. You are the only lifer he knows. And Bon Jovi always did like you. Of all of the kids, Bon Jovi complained the least about your foot odor.

Hang loose,
Lucille

 

Still Crazy After All These Years

On Wednesday, April 11th, Charlie Manson is going up for parole again. I think my penchant for crazy people is well-documented, but ol' Charlie is  completely off-the-charts looney.  43 years after the Tate-LaBianca murders, he remains the ultimate American boogeyman. 

The crazy people I am attracted to are like the ones I grew up with.  Some families hide their crazy relatives; not my family, we flaunted them. Made sure the craziest ones were front and center at family dinners, vacations, weddings, funerals and all other kinds of familiar get-togethers. 

My grandfather was married six, maybe seven times. Nobody really know for sure. One Easter, he had invited all of the grandchildren to his house for an Easter egg hunt.  Right before we got there, Grandpop and his then-wife, Grandma Teet, had had whopper of an argument, so Grandma Teet forcibly removed his dentures from his mouth and hid them. 

Grandpop didn't miss a beat. He offered us kids a quarter for each Easter Egg we found, and a whole dollar if we found his dentures.  As I drove home that night in the family Buick, with an entire $2.25 to my name, I remember thinking that when I grew up, I wanted to be an Easter egg/Denture finder.  I should have stuck to that plan. I'd probably be making more money. 

Crazy people also married into the family, like the guy who married my cousin Betty Jane. Guy was a skinny little white kid from Dundalk who got "politicalized" at Dundalk Community College. In 1970, he hijacked a plan to Cuba.  Guy sent a list of demands that had to be met before he would release the plane's passengers from the Cuban runway. 

1) American capitalism is over. Americans must change to tried and true Socialism. 

2) All American Banks will open their vaults and distribute money to the poor and downtrodden. 

3) Cousin Betty Jane will STOP harping on him to appear on "The Newlywed Game." He will not sell his soul for a refrigerator. 

Cousin Betty Jane responded that it wasn't just a refrigerator, numb nuts. It was a FRIGIDAIRE! Then she promptly filed for an annullment. Guy stayed in Cuba, taught Socialist History at a Cuban University, and now is laid to rest in a very nice plot overlooking Havana. 

Anyway, lots of luck on Wednesday, Charlie. You are too nutzoid for even my family, and that's saying something. I don't anticipate seeing you on the streets anytime soon, but, should that happen, let's just keep walking past each other.  And one more thing....don't go callling on cousin Betty Jane, either.  You just might find yourself in a fresh, new hell called, "The Newlywed Game. "