Sunday, December 4, 2011

The True Story of the Nativity

December  is just a crazy busy month for me, so this is the last blog of 2011. I wish you all a wonderful Christmas and Happy 2012.  I couldn't leave 2011, however, without ensuring that you know the TRUE story of the Nativity. 

Let's start with the Three Wise Men. No wise men visited the Holy Family at the was the three Weissman's, a family who used to live next door to Mary's mother before Morty Weissman opened a successful used camel dealership and subsequently moved his family uptown. 

Morty, who was also an amateur astronomer, spotted the most beautifully brilliant bright star on night while gazing at the universe. The star seemed to whisper to Morty, urging him to find the newborn king. 

As usual, however, Sylvia Weissman was screeching at Morty for some stupid little thing or other, causing Morty to misunderstand the message.
"Pack the camels, " Morty screamed back in response. "We're going to find the seaborn ring." 

Neither Morty nor Sylvia had a clue what a seaborn ring was, or where to find it,  but a trip out of the house was a trip out of the house.  So Morty and Sylvia and their adult son, Benjy, packed a few essentials, including Benjy;s drum set,  and headed in the direction of the star.  Morty was hoping the star would give directions, but if it did, Morty missed it due to the constant nudging from Sylvia. 

"Where are we going, Morty? And what are we looking for again? Great Herod, my back hurts. I think old Mrs. Baumgarten lied to you when she told you that she only used this camel for trips to the market. Have you checked its' humps? Marty, Marty, I'm talking to you! How much further? "
"Just follow the star, " Morty replied. It was times like this that Sylvia fantasized about killing Morty. But she knew if she were a widow, she'd have to marry Morty's brother, Irving. Now there was a putz! So she left well enough along and didn't even try, except once in a great while, to off Morty. 

After a couple of hours, the Weissman's passed The Inn, a real fu-fu hotel that happened to be totally booked due to the Handleman wedding. 

"Hey, Mom," said Benjy, "look at that little  manger, behind The Inn."
"Oh, I love valet parking," Sylvia said dreamily.

"No, Mom, look closer...isn't that  little Mary, our old neighbor, lying in the hay and screaming like a banshee?"

"Oh, my, it is Mary, " Sylvia realized. "Morty, pull over. "
The Weissman's parked their own camels just in time to help Mary give birth. As the baby Jesus was born, Sylvia wrapped Him in her finest scarf, a beautiful white silk which she had purchased wholesale from her cousin's scarf kiosk. 

"He's so beautiful, " she cried. Then she laid the baby with Mary, and turned and smacked Benjy upside the head. 

"That could have been my grandson," she cried. " But no, you have to spend all of your time with those lousy no-count musician friends of yours. When are you going to grow up and get a real job?" 

Benjy stared vacantly at his mother. Sometimes he fantasized about doing her in, but then he and father would have the room for his uncle Irving to move in with the. Now there was a putz! So he left well enough alone and didn't even try, except once in a great while, to off his mother. 

The Weissman's never travelled empty-handed, so they had a few gifts for the baby. No, not gold, frankincense and myrrh.  They had  golden franks and cur. 

Luckily, Joseph had some rolls and potato salad, so it turned into a real picnic.  Morty tried to buy some beer, but all he could find was some wine sold by Jeremiah, who always had some mighty fine wine. Benjy drank so much that night that he did a 40 minute riff of an early version of, "In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida."  Thus was born the Little Drummer Boy myth.

The next morning, the Weissman's left on their futile search  to find a seaborn ring.  The Holy Family also saddled up and went home. The families would never meet again, but Joseph and Morty did run into each other a few year later at the Summer Olympics.  Morty again found some mighty fine wine, and drank so much that he was two days late in returning home. Because of that, Morty was passed over for a his own business!!

But the story of Passover is for another day.